Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dubya Issues Alerts About Bunnies and Elfkins

I'm impressed with how surreal and amusing spam has become, especially in the last three or four months. Below, I present Exhibits A and B, excerpts from two emails that I received this morning.

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Exhibit 1:
Subject Line:
I unleash a lampoon so pretentious, so crass and so inane that no one in their right mind will understand or appreciate it.

Voting machines have always caused you Earth-monkeys problems. "Things almost got crazy for a minute there." But it could have been, oh sweet, slim and sassy Jesus, it could have been.

Come on, bunnies that eat your manhood or womanhood? So when an advanced alien craft from another dimension crash landed in Euro Disney we took the opportunity to make things right. Actually, can we puke on both? That way, the heat is taken off the fact that America is turning into a fascist state.

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Exhibit 2:
Subject Line:
i'm trying to do two things at once.

While these gentlemen are at least more respectable than the outright gay haters, they still are quite homophobic. Winter fishing is almost over while spring fishing has not yet started. But it no longer mattered, she would be with him soon.

"We can't figure out if they are real or not, but, they should be taken seriously because we received them on MySpace as a bulletin which is official." President George Bush continued, "Elfkins are really small elfs that lodge themselves in our efficient agencies and create more bureaucracy, creating more red tape. Then their exploded bunny parts were buried but the bunny parts turned into smaller bunny babies and clawed their way from the ground and attacked people who have unprotected sex. You could even hate the pain caused by their body massage."

George the Dragon Slayer tailed the Yellows and found a shadowy hole to hide in before the battle started.

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Ah, yes, the elfkins and the fundamentalist bunny babies...always f*cking my sh*t up. I want to hate the pain caused by their body massage, but it hurts so good. Paging Terry Gilliam.


bioephemera said...

I love postmodern spam. But these examples are far better than usual - I almost suspect you of "improving" them. The homophobic ice fisher subject line could be the synopsis of an Annie Proulx novella.

Hungry Hyaena said...


Honest to God (or Anema, Reason or whatever have you), I didn't change a thing. I did cut some other lines from each spam email, in the interest of space, but other than that, these are presented just as they arrived. (And the lines that I didn't include were almost as terrifically absurd!)

Andi said...

Where the word "exploded" is an adjective, comedy is always present.

Joe Heaps said...

What a flanerie!

Sunil said...

This is close to becoming an art form (a random one albeit)...